raisons d'etre

The Vamp Q & A.

10.6.2009 at 8.51 pm (Uncategorized)

A few days ago, I posted a blog about Twilight versus Twilite and Pride and Prejudice versus Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.  And the fact that I think Twilite and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and preposterous.  And the authors of these books are probably superbly desperate wanna-be writers that lack any creative bones in their bodies.

Tom “The Stalker” commented on that post, with about 3,825,742 questions about vampires.

And yes.  I want to answer them.

Here is a portion of his comment:

I have a question: does becoming a vampire instantly make you the hottest possible version of yourself, or do I need to be in shape and at 0% body fat prior to conversion? I’m already pale enough. Can I pick the length of hair I want for eternity? Is there a board to appeal to? Where do I need to hang out to maximize the opportunity that I might be bitten but not slain? Is there a chance that I eat too much garlic and, therefore, repulse the night creatures? Is there a possibility that they are equally repulsed by little debbie snacks? Or could it be that they are just repulsed by the thought of biting a middle-aged dude who eats too much little debbie and italian food? Am I the cheeto of the vampire world?
I ask you because you seem to be an authority.

Tom.  These are all amazing questions.  However, depending on your source, answers may vary.  I draw my answers from:  Twilight (obviously), the Sookie Stackhouse series, the Undead and Unwed series, True Blood (the show), and Vampire Diaries (the show, not the book series because it sucked as far as teen-vamp-love-stories go.)

Question 1:  Does becoming a vampire instantly make you the hottest possible version of yourself, or do I need to be in shape and at 0% body fat prior to conversion?

In most cases, at the point of conversion, you will become the most beautiful version of yourself you can be.  I’m not sure how that’s really possible.  Because you look like what you look like, right?  But we know, in Twilight the Cullens are all beautiful, slim, and perfect.  And when Bella is turned she can hardly recognize herself because of her physical transformation from “plain Jane” to “hot broad vamp.”  According to my other books, there is no real mention of a vampire becoming more beautiful at conversion, that I can think of; but that they are just beautiful in general.

Question 2:  Can I pick the length of hair I want for eternity?

Once you are turned, your hair (along with every thing else physical about you) is unchanging.  This why vamps can look 17, but be 18,273,836 years old.  If you want long rocker hippie hair for eternity, I suggest you grow it out before being turned.  This is why (according to the books) Bill looks a little 19th century, in Sookie Stackhouse.  Now, if you are going by the show True Blood (loosely based on the Sookie books)  then you can alter your physical appearance after being changed.  We see Eric, in the show, chop his long hair off in favor of a shorter (waaaay hotter) ‘do; we also see him dying his hair at one point.  Of course then there is the Undead and Unwed series, with Betsy Taylor.  She paints her toenails, passes out at dawn, then wakes up after sunset the next day to find her toenails back to the same color they were before death.  I believe she also gets professional pedicures, only to have her nasty foot calluses reappear the next day.  Play it safe, before going vamp, figure out your eternal hairstyle; in case there is no going back.

Question 3:  Is there a board to appeal to?

No.  There is not a board to appeal to, so that you may become a vampire.  Although, according to most of my sources, there is always some kind of authority.  In Twilight, there is the scary Volturi– the oldest vampire “family”– that are kind of the undeclared rulers of the vamps in the world.  They set/enforce the “rules,” which is mainly that you better not tell your secret.  And also there is no turning infants/children into vampires.  They keep the peace, but are pretty evil too.  We meet the Volturi in New Moon.  Sookie Stackhouse’s world is a little bit different, each state is called a “kingdom” and has  king or a queen to rule the area, with different sheriffs heading regions within the state.  If there are issues, then you go to your local sheriff.  Eric is a sheriff, just an FYI.  And then in the Undead and Unwed series, Betsy Taylor is the newest Queen of the Vampires, so all vamps submit to her rule.  She also has a King, but he is second-rate.  She is the highest in the vamp-land.

Question 4:  Where do I need to hang out to maximize the opportunity that I might be bitten but not slain?

This is difficult to answer.  Most vamps I have read about, don’t want to kill your or turn you.  They just want some dinner.  Or can’t control their lust for fresh human blood, and accidentally kill you.  And then its too late to turn you.  According to most of my sources, you really need to meet and fall in love with a vamp to become one.  Most metropolitan areas have underground supernatural clubs, frequenting these would probably decrease the risk of being slain.  Hanging out in dark corners or alleys or graveyards, would probably increase your chances of being drained about tenfold.  I would make sure to stay in the light.

Question 5:  Is there a chance that I eat too much garlic and, therefore, repulse the night creatures?

Yes.  There is a chance.  Although, in Twilight and Betsy Taylor’s series vampires are not affected by garlic at all.  In fact, most vamps can not be killed by garlic, some just don’t like it/are allergic.  The vamps in Sookie Stackhouse just gross out over it, and Sookie stops eating garlic because Bill hates it.  But for the most part, vamp death by garlic is a total fluke.

Question 6:  Is there a possibility that they are equally repulsed by little debbie snacks?

Probably not.  According to some of the books I have read, food can affect the way your blood tastes.  So those Little Debbies, may make you just a bit tastier.  But according to most books, the blood itself is amazing and appetizing to vampires.  In general, some vampires can eat real food.  Such as the Cullens and the vamps of Vampire Diaries.  But Betsy Taylor can’t eat food without it coming back up again.  Although she knows other vampires that can eat if they want.  For the most part, vamps stop eating because its not satisfying to them at all.  Only blood is.

Question 7:  Or could it be that they are just repulsed by the thought of biting a middle-aged dude who eats too much little debbie and italian food?

No.  They are probably not repulsed by your middle-aged-man-syndrome.  Blood is blood.  And also, your age suits you, you handsome devil.  Bubby, don’t kill me.  In fact, the Little Debbies, may make them want to chomp you more.  Although, n most cases, the garlic will hamper the goodness of your Little Debbie infused plasma.  I am pretty sure, as long as you are warm, a vamp will not be repulsed by you.

Question 8:  Am I the cheeto of the vampire world?

That depends.  Do you love or hate cheetos?  I enjoy them on occasion.  Mainly the hot Cheetos.  Are you hot Cheetos?  Is it a good thing to be a cheeto?  You might be.  You might not be.  I am getting more confused by this question as I type a response.

Okay, people.  The authority has spoken.  More vamp questions?  I have your answers.  Now that I am done with this, I am going to paint my nails and lips black, put on some black eyeshadow and some combat boots with tights and a skirt.  Because I feel so ridiculously creepy and goth right now its not even funny.  I feel like Anne Rice.  Speaking of, does anyone out there enjoy Anne Rice?  I have thought about reading her, but I’m just not sure she’s for me.  Thoughts?  opinions?