Dear Justin Bieber.

10.13.2010 at 3.41 pm (Uncategorized)

Dear Justin Bieber,

As a lover of the bubblegum pop musical genre, I am writing to you as a concerned fan.  I just watched your performance on the VMAs and there is something I think you need to know.

You.  Will.  Never.  Be.  Justin.  Timberlake.

So right now, I just think you need to stop trying.  Oh, I’m sorry.  Do you need reasons?

Yea, I have those.

The hair.  I know your helmet head turns some of the girls on.  Maybe some of the “women” too.  But I am here to tell you, it will never compare to this:

Do you see those curly golden locks?  And in fact, this:

This strange, windblown, helmet-y look that I know takes hours and multiple stylists to recreate every single day of your life will never even compare to this:

That would be a bald and beautiful JTim.

And its not just the hair JBieb.  Its the dance moves.  Last night I saw you on the VMAs.  I saw your performance of “Baby.”  Perhaps your moves aren’t as smooth as they could be yet, you are only 16.  But this:

It will never compare to the sweet, soulful, sexyback moves of this child star:

Nor will you grow into the man that Mr. SexyBack himself has become:

And I am sorry.  But I just have to include this, one of my all-time favorite JTim videos.  Check out the sexiest angst-ridden man ever:

And in fact, that brings me to my next point.  You will never play the leading-man-Prince-Charming in a fairytale, bubblegum pop romance.  Any relationship you have… it just won’t compare to this:

Or this:

Sorry, JBieb.  I’m normally a rabid bubblegum pap fan.  But this time, you just don’t have it.  I just don’t get it.  You want pop legend?  Quit messing with your hair and go hang out with the JTim and learn a thing or two about a good pop song, men’s fashion (yea, I saw your ass hanging out of your pants when you won that award last night), and phantasmagoric dance moves.

Because you won’t be a bubblegum pop god until you have those three things down.

And finally, even if you ever learn these important life lessons under JTim’s tutelage…  You might be better.  Perhaps even likable.  But…

You still won’t ever be Justin Timberlake.

With the Utmost Care and Concern for your Pop Future,

Ashley Duncum.

P.S. Can you let Taylor Swift know that, unless she has a death wish, she should probably leave scary Kanye West alone?  A man deranged enough to interrupt a 17 year old child’s speech is probably deranged enough to also bust a cap in her for her performance last night.