As a lover of the bubblegum pop musical genre, I am writing to you as a concerned fan.  I just watched your performance on the VMAs and there is something I think you need to know.

You.  Will.  Never.  Be.  Justin.  Timberlake.

So right now, I just think you need to stop trying.  Oh, I’m sorry.  Do you need reasons?

Yea, I have those.

The hair.  I know your helmet head turns some of the girls on.  Maybe some of the “women” too.  But I am here to tell you, it will never compare to this:

Do you see those curly golden locks?  And in fact, this:

This strange, windblown, helmet-y look that I know takes hours and multiple stylists to recreate every single day of your life will never even compare to this:

That would be a bald and beautiful JTim.

And its not just the hair JBieb.  Its the dance moves.  Last night I saw you on the VMAs.  I saw your performance of “Baby.”  Perhaps your moves aren’t as smooth as they could be yet, you are only 16.  But this:

It will never compare to the sweet, soulful, sexyback moves of this child star:

Nor will you grow into the man that Mr. SexyBack himself has become:

And I am sorry.  But I just have to include this, one of my all-time favorite JTim videos.  Check out the sexiest angst-ridden man ever:

And in fact, that brings me to my next point.  You will never play the leading-man-Prince-Charming in a fairytale, bubblegum pop romance.  Any relationship you have… it just won’t compare to this:

Or this:

Sorry, JBieb.  I’m normally a rabid bubblegum pap fan.  But this time, you just don’t have it.  I just don’t get it.  You want pop legend?  Quit messing with your hair and go hang out with the JTim and learn a thing or two about a good pop song, men’s fashion (yea, I saw your ass hanging out of your pants when you won that award last night), and phantasmagoric dance moves.

Because you won’t be a bubblegum pop god until you have those three things down.

And finally, even if you ever learn these important life lessons under JTim’s tutelage…  You might be better.  Perhaps even likable.  But…

You still won’t ever be Justin Timberlake.

With the Utmost Care and Concern for your Pop Future,

Ashley Duncum.

P.S. Can you let Taylor Swift know that, unless she has a death wish, she should probably leave scary Kanye West alone?  A man deranged enough to interrupt a 17 year old child’s speech is probably deranged enough to also bust a cap in her for her performance last night.

After an approximately 10 month-long hiatus.

I know, its sad.  And all my lovies have either missed me, forgotten me, or some mixture of the two.

I thought about blogging a lot during my “va-cay.”  I had lots of good blog topics that I didn’t come home and actually blog about.  And now all said blog-ics (Did you like that?  Blog+Topics=Blog-ics.  No?  Okay.) have been completely forgotten.

But a few weeks ago my mom brought me the first CD mix I ever made for my car.  And I thought: God, that would be an awesome blog-ic.  I know exactly why all those songs were important to me then.  And then I could talk about my current car’s mix tape.

And this blog-ic has been on my mind since then.  So it just seemed like I should get back on here.  Get back to blogging.  Especially after this F-Book comment the other day:  So. Blog lately? I don’t forget.  Miss u.

Y’ALL.

People like me!  Or at least Tom does.  Or did.  Or some mixture of the two.

Anyway.  I sat down last night to write my musically-inspired blog.  But then it just felt fake.  To return to blogging with some tedious musical analysis of who I was (in what, 2001?) and who I am now.  To not make mention of at least a couple things that have happened in the last ten months; not that I can really remember anything past last month or so.

So this is my mini-update.  Really only a couple of important things have happened since you saw me last.  Which might be depressing, if I really sit down and think about it.  And no, I didn’t have a child or anything since you last saw me here.

Notable Occurrence #1: I’m in grad school!  Since I got my (useless) Bachelor’s degree in 2008, I have been thinking about going to grad school.  And I finally am!  I’m doing something I never thought I would do and, more importantly, I actually enjoy it. I’m getting a Master’s in Legal Studies.  Does that even make you think of me?  My only interest, up until this summer, in anything legal was limited to Judge Judy (who, yes, I do so love.)

Actually, this whole thing was kind of accidental.  As many of you know, I am, shall we say… stuck in retail.  Yes, still.  My dad suggested (due to my uber-useless undergrad concentrations) going to get a paralegal certification.  A quick way to get myself out of retail, make some more money, then figure out what I really want to do, and also get out of retail (did I mention that already?)

So, I sat on his suggestion for a while.  Because that’s what I do.  And then I thought:  Yea, maybe I will do this.  Its something I know nothing about really, but maybe it will be interesting.  So I started my reasearch.  And found that Texas State has a certification program, but you take Master’s level classes.  And I was pretty excited.  So I applied and got in.  Shortly after that, I realized by taking only 12 more hours, I could just get my Master’s and not a teeny little certification.  So I applied for that. And here I am, graduate student at your service.

Notable Occurrence #2: You may have noticed, I still work retail.  But no longer am I a slave to the man.  No!  I am a nobody again.  I stepped down from my position.  Its true.  Sometimes I wonder if that was a great idea.  But really.  I think it was the best decision.  I was so unhappy.  When things were really bad, I would spend nights crying about how much I hated it and didn’t ever want to walk into the building again.  And that’s no way live.  Sorry.  No job can be worth my constant unhappiness.

The other clincher was the crazy shift work.  Read:  One Tuesday I worked a normal 9-6 shift, came back at 9p that same night and worked till about 1a.  And that was the night before my midterm.  Oh and I worked the next morning too.  So, really, I didn’t even have time to study for my test.  And I just thought:  Its not worth it.  I hate it.  I am in school to get out of here and I won’t sacrifice the school for the job I don’t even want to be in.

Smart?  Not smart?  You decide.  But, I’ve already made my decision.

And in other news:  Since I started this program, I already had an interview for a position at a law firm.  Which is my first interview in, oh…a year and a half.  I don’t think I got the job (I know, I was so looking forward to giving the Navy my notice), but its a start!  They were supposed to “let me know something early this week” and its Thursday.  Not really early in the week anymore, nonetheless I am still stalking my phone every 5 minutes.

So.  Did you miss me?  I just want to hear it.  Or see it, preferably in boldface, italicized, ALL CAPS ON type:  I MISSED YOU, ASHLEY.  YOU ARE BLOGGERRIFIC.

I am going to blog again.  I won’t promise that I will be here blogging to you everyday because, let’s face it, I don’t know if I can keep that promise.  But maybe, twice a week, as a blogging goal?  Do you think I can do it?  If I don’t will you track me down and handcuff me to my desk (preferably with an iced white mocha) until I type up a blog?  Please do.

P.S. I know this was kind of a crappy post.  But I didn’t think I could just sweep back through the proverbial door, without an update of some kind.  Maybe the musically-inspired blog will be my next topic?

Every day that I haven’t blogged, I have thought about the fact that I am a bad blogger and I need to get on here and type up just a little something to keep everyone coming back to visit me.

That hasn’t happened.

What can I say?  I have lots of excuses.

1.  It is the holidays.  In retail, our biggest days of the year are coming.  Black Friday is just a few days away.  We are open (at my store) on Thanksgiving.  I was supposed to be off.  But I’m not anymore.  Gap Inc’s prez, Old Navy’s prez, our zone prez, my regional and district manager’s are all coming to visit on the T-Day.  Needless to say it has been stressed and super busy at work.  Also, I have to say I have beeen obsessing too much about Twilight/New Moon in the time I have had off.  Meaning:  Re-reading the books, watching all the previews on YouTube daily, discussing the excitement constantly with some of my co-workers.  And I suppose, I have just been tired and lazy too.

I promise.  That will come to an end soon.

Now.  I only have a few minutes, because yes.  I am going back to work tonight after I have already worked a 9 and a half hour day.  But I have been thinking.  Now I know the whole vampire/supernatural thing is kind of overdone.

But since my last post.  No make that my second to last, I have been thinking about myself.  And writing.  And my authority on vampires.  And my love of YA books.  Don’t worry, I really don’t want to copy Stephenie Meyer.  But really, maybe if I ever write anything; it should be for young adults.  Maybe, maybe not having a supernatural theme.  I only say that because, hello I love it.  (P.S. I used to never be into all this supernatural, sci-fi stuff.)

I think that what I really love about YA books is the way they take me back to that time, those years, of my life.  First love, experiencing hard life-changing and maturing situations that age you.  I remember my first love.  I will never forget.  I will never forget how I felt during high school.  No, I did not love high school; I am not one of those that would go back and do it again in a heartbeat.  But I remember growing up and learning about myself and learning about people and how they are.  I remember the hard experiences (not that I had a rough childhood or teenage-hood ) and I remember the wonderful ones.  And I am a memory person; not in the scrapbook way.  But I am a thinker, and I am always re-evaluating myself and others and the past.  And you know?  I think I understand teenagers.  And I might just be good at writing for them.

I don’t know.  I think I am going to give this a shot.  Maybe.  Now I just need to find some time to do that in.  Or make time.

Anyway.  Back to work for now.  I just need to make it through the next… oh… week.  And then I promise I will be back with a “The Twilight Saga:  New Moon” Review.  Especially because I am making time to see it a second time on Sunday.  But I will just say this:  The book is, and will always be, better than the movie.

Oh well, I guess it will be your choice to read or not.  And I will try to at least write, really annoyingly:  ****Possible Spoiler Alert Follows****  if I think I am revealing too much.

Here goes nothing.

Momentary digression:  Do you like my choice of “An Open Book Wednesday” image?  It was painted by Jean-Honore Fragonard.  Frenchman, obviously.  And I enjoy it a lot.  No surprise, coming from the art history major, is it?  You may know him better for this painting.  Its called The Swing and was very scandalous in its time.  Do you see the “lady’s” suitor looking up her dress?  Scandalous imps.  You may also know this one, The Bolt.  I enjoy Fragonard, I like his use of light and the airy, light brushstroke he uses.  Anyway.  On to the books.

So I just finished reading the latest installment of… The Morganville Vampires series.

SURPRISE!  Its  vampire book!!!

And it’s a YA series!

Yes.  I read more than vampire books.  I really, really do.  You believe me, right?

Next week,  promise.  Non-vampiric reading.  Okay, the week after that.  Because I just started reading the fourth book of another vampire series I read.  But I digress.

On the first Tuesday in November, Rachel Caine’s latest Fade Out hit the shelves.

I randomly found this series when I was browsing the YA section of my B&N.  And I just love it.

It’s different than most of the series’ I have read lately.  Its not about vampire-humn love or a vampire protagonist.

The main character is a 17-year old girl named Claire, she is a science whiz kid who moves to Morganville, Texas for college.  She comes to live off campus with a group of kids (who are also not vamps, but are native Morganvillians.)  And not long after Claire’s move out of the dorm, she finds out that vampires run Morganville.  Families have “vampire protectors” and wear bracelets to identify themselves as “protected,” so other vamps won’t eat them for dinner. The vamps really rule the town.  They let the humans live there, and they can only leave with special permission.  They also lose their memories when they leave the town limits.

Throughout the series, Claire has become involved with the leader of the town, Amelie.  Amelie discovered Claire’s affinity for the sciences and enlisted her to help Myrnin–the crazy, brilliant, scientist-vampire or town–find a cure for the disease that has been killing vampires in town.  By the end of the sixth installment, Claire has found the cure for the disease.  Also, the hierarchy of vamps over humans has been almost erased; with the town takeover by Amelie’s father and then the uprising of Morganville humans and vamps that banded together to defeat him.

That is just a crummy summary of the previous six books.  Needless to say, I was super excited for Fade Out.  It is the seventh installment, and I could not wait to read it and find out what happened next to Claire and her roomies (Shane, Eve, and Michael.)    

Since so many loose ends were finally tied up in book six, this book was just fun to read because (of course) there has been a blossoming romance between Claire and Shane.  I just love teen love.  I do.  Fills me with nostalgia.  We also got to spend more time with Eve, the super-goth-girl that is best friends with Claire.  

Eve, we find out, has won the lead role in the town play.  We also meet a new Morganvillian, named Kim.  She is super weird and has the hots for Shane.  Which pisses me, and Claire, off.  Get yo’ hands off my man, bi!  Of course Shane only has eyes for Claire-Bear.  But a whole twisted plot devised by Kim turns up in this book.  The four friends and the vampires must band together again to save Mrganville from the prying eyes of Hollywood; when it is discovered that Kim has secretly been filming and editing all over Morganville in order to create a reality show.

Will the tapes be leaked?  Will Morganville be thrown into the sppotlight?  Will all the vampires be outed?

Read to find out!

Rachel Caine’s Fade Out!

I highly recommend, if you enjoy YA books.  And of course, if you enjoy vampire books.  But start with the first in the series, Glass Houses.

I do indeed have one more question. If I do happen to stumble upon a vampire that is open to vampire transformation requests, can I ask that he/she turn my animals into the undead along with me? Well, maybe not my dog, because she’s kinda gross, but perhaps my kitties? You know how I am about my kitties. I don’t think I want to turn into a vampire without my cats.
Also, one of the aforementioned cats has a bit of a regurgitation problem, as you may very well know. Will this be solved upon transformation from cat to vampire kitty, or will I just be walking around with a paper towel for eternity, trying to scoop up big wads of half-digested people/other animal blood?
In addition, why is it that we never read about vampire animals? You’re telling me that no vampire has ever had a beloved pet?

Question 1:  If I do happen to stumble upon a vampire that is open to vampire transformation requests, can I ask that he/she turn my animals into the undead along with me?

I haven’t ever seen a vamped out kit-cat or dog that I can recall, however I keep getting visions of Church, from the film version of King’s Pet Semetary.  I don’t think Church-y (the scariest little kitty on the planet) was a vampire.  But when I think vamp-cat, I think Church.  I don’t see why an animal couldn’t be turned.  In fact, I love this idea.  Maybe that’s because Daniel does things like… Oh talk about 5 years from now when Queenie is old and her knees/hips go bad and she needs one of those doggie wheelchairs; and then I start to tear up because I can’t imagine  life without my poopy-puppy.  But I digress.  I would think it is entirely possible to turn your animal, when you turn; so the two of you can share life eternal with each other.  Although, I almost shudder to think of a kitty or doggie stalking/sucking the blood out of a person(?) or another animal(?).  In fact, I wonder whose blood a cat or dog would sustain off of?  Hm…

Question 2:  Also, one of the aforementioned cats has a bit of a regurgitation problem, as you may very well know. Will this be solved upon transformation from cat to vampire kitty, or will I just be walking around with a paper towel for eternity, trying to scoop up big wads of half-digested people/other animal blood?

This is a toughie.  But I would say that said vamp-cat would no longer have a vom-problem.  I say this because, as discussed in The Vamp Q & A, it seems that upon conversion, humans cease all physical change.  This includes hair growth; thus, I would assume that all shedding stops.  So the said vamp-cat will no longer bathe and, in essence, eat their own hair (ick.)  Of course, then all hairballs would stop.  Now, if said kit-kat has an issue with vomiting in general, then there may be a bit of  digestion problem; and then you might have an eternal paper-towel-holding-following-animal-cleaning-up-regurgitation issue.  In which case, I highly suggest you have some sort of surgery to fix the digestion problem before transformation; because the couple thou you drop at the vet’s will obviously pay itself off if you are going to be around for eternity.

Question 3:  In addition, why is it that we never read about vampire animals? You’re telling me that no vampire has ever had a beloved pet?

For this I have no answer.  Perhaps it truly is impossible to turn your beloved pet into an eternal life-mate.  Or perhaps you hav just given me the key to a new and unique vampire series.  Because, obviously, if I ever plan to write anything fictional, it should be about vampires.  Because I seem to be the authority.  Or at least I act like I am.  I read somewhere once that if you want to write in a specific field/genre/age range, you should first read at least 200 of that type of book.  Assuming this is true, I think I am well on my way in my vampire research.

Anyway.  Enough vamp talk.  And in case you were wondering, I am not sitting in the darkness with just the light of some black candles, beside a coffin, wearing a cape, with blood dribbling down my chin.  I’m sorry to disappoint; but I am in fact, sitting in the light, dog on lap, vanilla-lavender candles going, in a sweater, leggings, and an “I Heart Turkey” t-shirt (Yes.  I am channeling T-Day already.)

What I really want to talk about is one thing about myself that I really… really… loathe.  

And that is my procrastination.

Procrastinating is one thing I don’t even understand about myself.  Really, I am just lazy about things.  Like… I don’t know… This blog.  I really love writing on my blog.  And reading all the comments I get.  And stalking myself every couple hours to see if anyone else has visited and my “Number of People Visited” graph is any higher.  So why, oh why do I put off writing?  That is why there isn’t a new post every day.  Because I put it off, and then all of a sudden it’s time for bed or work or a shower or I need to make dinner.  Or I need to take a nap.  Or I just want to finish the next chapter of my book.  I always have these lame excuses for not blogging.  But why?  Why do I procrastinate it if I really enjoy it?

I think part of it is laziness.  Pure and simple.  Don’t want to get off the couch, sit at my desk, and actually use my brain.  And I think part of it is fear.  What if my blog sucks?  (Like it did the other day.  Don’t click that.  It was truly bad.)  And sometimes, I just feel writer’s block, because I don’t want to come here and just write a diary of how my day was; what sucked, what rocked, what I did, where I went… Blah, blah, boring.  I want to write you a blog that is worth reading.  That you finish and say:  Hey, that made me laugh.  Or:  I never thought about that before.  Or:  Dude, this chick is creepily into vampires, but its kind of entertaining.

Do you know how rewarding it was to see how entertaining some of you (the ones that commented, and thank you for that) found my Vamp Q & A?  It makes me want to require you all to email me vampire questions consistently, so that I can write a Vamp-Obsession Post every week.  Just because I know it would entertain you.  Although it would probably get old pretty quick, so I shall not ask you to do that.

You would think that after so many nice comments, I would have been a posting machine the past couple of days.  But alas, I have not.  And I guess what frustrates me most is that I was always a procrastinator in school.  So I thought once school was over, that part of me would just go away.  Because I would have nothing left to procrastinate.  

Alas, it seems I was wrong.  I am just a born procrastinator.

In fact, I just completely stopped writing this post for the past two hours.  Because I wasn’t sure if I was going anywhere with this.  And I decided to search for bread slicers.  You know, for your homemade-breadmaker-bread?  Yea.  Because we used to make it.  But then the slices were all huge and weird and crooked, because neither Daniel or I can cut straight.  So we stopped making homemade-breadmaker-bread.  And now, a year later I am searching for a bread slicer.

Why?  Because I procrastinate.  And of course I still put off the important things too.  Like deciding on graduate school; will I go, when will I go, what will I study, how will I work at the same time, etcetera, ecetera.  I really just need a good kick in the butt.  I need someone to sit me down and tell me to get it together.

People.  I am not getting any younger.  Why am I putting such important (sometimes not important) things off?

Sometimes I think about that.  That every day is just slipping by; and what am I doing with it?  How can I fix myself?  What will make me get off my butt and quit putting things off and start moving forward consistently?

I used to think a planner or a to-do list would be good.  But really it just makes me see how little I do.  Because hardly anything ever gets crossed off.  And I guess what the biggest problem is, is motivation.  What will motivate me to do the things I need to do?

Because I can motivate myself to get on my blog and write fairly often, but what will it take for me to start eating healthy, applying to/researching graduate school, being more thrifty so we can move out of this apartment one day?  How do I make myself more disciplined?  These are questions that haunt me every day.  How can I be a better person and take that next step in my life?  Or at least start doing, so that one day we can take that next step.

Basically.  I think.  What it comes down to is.  How do I turn into a real grown-up?  Because really, I feel kind of like a child still sometimes.  Like I am not focused on my/our future at all.

I know.  I didn’t mean this to be some weird:  How do I make myself better? thing.  I guess when I think about the way I put things off, it makes me realize the effect it is having on my life.  And I don’t want to be like that anymore.  I want to be proactive and start doing everything I want to do and expect myself to do.  I want to get out my GRE workbooks and print out my grad school apps and send them off.

I want to get on my blog everyday and type something for someone to read.

I want to put myself on the strictest budget and adhere.

Because it isn’t just for me anymore.  Its for the old H-Band too.  And our future together.  Well maybe not the blog thing.  In fact I think my forcing him to read my blog is probably the worst thing on his to-do list each/every other day.  But that is beside the point.  

I just feel like… it is time to turn over a new leaf for myself (because cliches always express a person’s feeling the best.)  I am ready to be new and start doing what I need to do.  Ya know?

Tom “The Stalker” commented on that post, with about 3,825,742 questions about vampires.

And yes.  I want to answer them.

Here is a portion of his comment:

I have a question: does becoming a vampire instantly make you the hottest possible version of yourself, or do I need to be in shape and at 0% body fat prior to conversion? I’m already pale enough. Can I pick the length of hair I want for eternity? Is there a board to appeal to? Where do I need to hang out to maximize the opportunity that I might be bitten but not slain? Is there a chance that I eat too much garlic and, therefore, repulse the night creatures? Is there a possibility that they are equally repulsed by little debbie snacks? Or could it be that they are just repulsed by the thought of biting a middle-aged dude who eats too much little debbie and italian food? Am I the cheeto of the vampire world?
I ask you because you seem to be an authority.

Tom.  These are all amazing questions.  However, depending on your source, answers may vary.  I draw my answers from:  Twilight (obviously), the Sookie Stackhouse series, the Undead and Unwed series, True Blood (the show), and Vampire Diaries (the show, not the book series because it sucked as far as teen-vamp-love-stories go.)

Question 1:  Does becoming a vampire instantly make you the hottest possible version of yourself, or do I need to be in shape and at 0% body fat prior to conversion?

In most cases, at the point of conversion, you will become the most beautiful version of yourself you can be.  I’m not sure how that’s really possible.  Because you look like what you look like, right?  But we know, in Twilight the Cullens are all beautiful, slim, and perfect.  And when Bella is turned she can hardly recognize herself because of her physical transformation from “plain Jane” to “hot broad vamp.”  According to my other books, there is no real mention of a vampire becoming more beautiful at conversion, that I can think of; but that they are just beautiful in general.

Question 2:  Can I pick the length of hair I want for eternity?

Once you are turned, your hair (along with every thing else physical about you) is unchanging.  This why vamps can look 17, but be 18,273,836 years old.  If you want long rocker hippie hair for eternity, I suggest you grow it out before being turned.  This is why (according to the books) Bill looks a little 19th century, in Sookie Stackhouse.  Now, if you are going by the show True Blood (loosely based on the Sookie books)  then you can alter your physical appearance after being changed.  We see Eric, in the show, chop his long hair off in favor of a shorter (waaaay hotter) ‘do; we also see him dying his hair at one point.  Of course then there is the Undead and Unwed series, with Betsy Taylor.  She paints her toenails, passes out at dawn, then wakes up after sunset the next day to find her toenails back to the same color they were before death.  I believe she also gets professional pedicures, only to have her nasty foot calluses reappear the next day.  Play it safe, before going vamp, figure out your eternal hairstyle; in case there is no going back.

Question 3:  Is there a board to appeal to?

No.  There is not a board to appeal to, so that you may become a vampire.  Although, according to most of my sources, there is always some kind of authority.  In Twilight, there is the scary Volturi– the oldest vampire “family”– that are kind of the undeclared rulers of the vamps in the world.  They set/enforce the “rules,” which is mainly that you better not tell your secret.  And also there is no turning infants/children into vampires.  They keep the peace, but are pretty evil too.  We meet the Volturi in New Moon.  Sookie Stackhouse’s world is a little bit different, each state is called a “kingdom” and has  king or a queen to rule the area, with different sheriffs heading regions within the state.  If there are issues, then you go to your local sheriff.  Eric is a sheriff, just an FYI.  And then in the Undead and Unwed series, Betsy Taylor is the newest Queen of the Vampires, so all vamps submit to her rule.  She also has a King, but he is second-rate.  She is the highest in the vamp-land.

Question 4:  Where do I need to hang out to maximize the opportunity that I might be bitten but not slain?

This is difficult to answer.  Most vamps I have read about, don’t want to kill your or turn you.  They just want some dinner.  Or can’t control their lust for fresh human blood, and accidentally kill you.  And then its too late to turn you.  According to most of my sources, you really need to meet and fall in love with a vamp to become one.  Most metropolitan areas have underground supernatural clubs, frequenting these would probably decrease the risk of being slain.  Hanging out in dark corners or alleys or graveyards, would probably increase your chances of being drained about tenfold.  I would make sure to stay in the light.

Question 5:  Is there a chance that I eat too much garlic and, therefore, repulse the night creatures?

Yes.  There is a chance.  Although, in Twilight and Betsy Taylor’s series vampires are not affected by garlic at all.  In fact, most vamps can not be killed by garlic, some just don’t like it/are allergic.  The vamps in Sookie Stackhouse just gross out over it, and Sookie stops eating garlic because Bill hates it.  But for the most part, vamp death by garlic is a total fluke.

Question 6:  Is there a possibility that they are equally repulsed by little debbie snacks?

Probably not.  According to some of the books I have read, food can affect the way your blood tastes.  So those Little Debbies, may make you just a bit tastier.  But according to most books, the blood itself is amazing and appetizing to vampires.  In general, some vampires can eat real food.  Such as the Cullens and the vamps of Vampire Diaries.  But Betsy Taylor can’t eat food without it coming back up again.  Although she knows other vampires that can eat if they want.  For the most part, vamps stop eating because its not satisfying to them at all.  Only blood is.

Question 7:  Or could it be that they are just repulsed by the thought of biting a middle-aged dude who eats too much little debbie and italian food?

No.  They are probably not repulsed by your middle-aged-man-syndrome.  Blood is blood.  And also, your age suits you, you handsome devil.  Bubby, don’t kill me.  In fact, the Little Debbies, may make them want to chomp you more.  Although, n most cases, the garlic will hamper the goodness of your Little Debbie infused plasma.  I am pretty sure, as long as you are warm, a vamp will not be repulsed by you.

Question 8:  Am I the cheeto of the vampire world?

That depends.  Do you love or hate cheetos?  I enjoy them on occasion.  Mainly the hot Cheetos.  Are you hot Cheetos?  Is it a good thing to be a cheeto?  You might be.  You might not be.  I am getting more confused by this question as I type a response.

Okay, people.  The authority has spoken.  More vamp questions?  I have your answers.  Now that I am done with this, I am going to paint my nails and lips black, put on some black eyeshadow and some combat boots with tights and a skirt.  Because I feel so ridiculously creepy and goth right now its not even funny.  I feel like Anne Rice.  Speaking of, does anyone out there enjoy Anne Rice?  I have thought about reading her, but I’m just not sure she’s for me.  Thoughts?  opinions?

But first, let’s just take a moment.  Because I want to discuss this:

Obviously, we have made the stunning revelation that I love The Twilight Saga.  Seriously, if you don’t, I don’t get it.  Unless you are male, then I kind of get it.  I know Daniel refuses to read them.  I have tried and tried to make him.  Its not going to happen.  And this saddens me.  Why, you ask?  Because, do you know how much he could learn from Edward Cullen?  I mean, if he just jotted down a few of his lines in the book on a 3×5 notecard and kept them in his pocket to stealthily pull out and read to me at random times in our life together, I would be putty in his hand.  But I digress.  (I really, really enjoy that phrase by the way.)

Can I tell you how much I can not wait for this movie to come out?

I can not wait!!!!!!!!!!!insert infinity exclamation points here!!!!!!!!

I know.  I know.  The first movie was superbly disappointing in relation to the books.  And New Moon (the movie) will probably be craptastic in comparison to the book as well.  I am the first to admit that, and isn’t that the way it almost always is?  The movie never measures up to the book.  But that doesn’t mean it isn’t fan-freaking-tastic to see Bella and Edward (and Jacob) all on film together; living out the scenes that we have imagined in our heads so many times.

I am almost always 100% disappointed in books that go to the big screen.  But that doesn’t make me any less excited to see them.

Every time I see the preview for New Moon, I have to hold myself from running to my bookshelf, digging Twilight out and rereading the entire series again.  Because I am waiting, timing my revival of the “Saga” with the midnight showing of New Moon on the 20th of November.  So all the details are fresh in my mind and I can intelligently nit-pick all the problems between the film and the book.

Anyway, you know I am a sucker for a good vampire book.  Preferably series.  So today, I logged on to my Sony Reader Store account, to see what new releases came out.  And I saw this.  And just now, when I was looking up the link for that book, I saw this.

This annoys me.  To no end.  Its not only that I have a weird protective love-fest thing going on for Twilight.  I just think that a parody of Twilight is ridiculous.  Really?  Really?  A character named Edwart and one named Edweird?  Give me a break.  Things like this just piss me off.  Like this whole Pride and Predjudice and Zombies thing and now the Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters thing.

Do these people really consider themselves writers?  I don’t.  Especially on the Jane Austen rip-offs.  I haven’t read them.  I refuse to.  And I have no desire to.  But according to the GoodReads reviews I have read, it is the exact same book that Austen wrote, with the exception of crap about zombies and sea monsters written in.  What the Hell is that?  If you want to be a writer at least be original.  Or at least try to be, don’t ruin the classics.  That is like sacrilege to me.

I am desperate to write something.  Besides this blog.  Like a short story that will never see a published page, or a novel that will never sit and gather dust at Barnes and Noble.  But I would never sit down and feel so deperate to write something, anything that I resort to stealing someone else’s ideas.  Even if I plan to parody them.  I am sorry, I just don’t think it’s right.  I think its stealing.  I really do.  Writing is all about creating.  Not about reading a book and then deciding to steal the idea, but alter it just a little bit here and there so it’s a parody or it talks about some zombie attack on England.

I don’t know, maybe it just goes against my personal artistic/creative mantra/rules that Ashley lives by.  Am I wrong here?  Should I go pick up my own copy (read: download to my reader) of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies or Nightlight?  Or Twilite?  Thoughts, opinions on this?

Seriously, I have never really “taken vacation” from a job.

And now that I have taken some time off and had to go back to work, I am realizing why my Dad never takes a day off.

Because it is death to the soul to return back to work.

I went back to work on Sunday and thought:  I never want to come back again.

It was a much easier transition to go from working to vacationing than to go back to work from vacation.  I am still trying to catch up.  Did you ever imagine that you would miss things in retail?  Well I am telling you now, in retail management crap happens.  I feel like I have been gone a month.  Not seven measly days.

I won’t sit here and toot my own horn and say I am a great worker and great manager.  This is debatable and the answer may vary depending on who you ask and what day of the week you ask them.  But I work hard.  I am a workaholic.  I will work seven days a week if you need me to, and if I was salaried you would probably see me on the job at least 50 hours a week.

That being said, I hate this coming back to work, not knowing what is going on or what has happened since you left and came back.  Normally, if you need to know something I have the answer, or I will find it ASAP.  But its hard to come back to work, catch up on what you missed, and answer all your boss’ questions on your second day back from the va-cay.

Needless to say, I had pretty rough day.  Sunday was pretty rough too.  Coming back, trying to get myself caught up on the previous week, the coming week, and also make sure everything got done on Sunday that needed to.  It was woo… tiring.  And didn’t go as smoothly as it could have, but I made it through.  And today, I worked with my boss and it was not as stressful a day.  But I think she depends on me for answers sometimes, and when I don’t have them it frustrates me.  Even though I know I normally have the answers, but I am still trying to recoup and regroup from my days off; I feel like I am not doing what I need to be doing when I can’t answer her, or have to say:  I don’t know, but I can find out right now.

I am starting to rethink this vacation thing.  Seriously.  Or on my next vacay I will call up every day for the latest info, so I have less catch up to do when I come back.  But really that would make the vacation pointless.  And everybody deserves a rest sometimes don’t they?  I guess its just about being prepared to return to work, ready to get back to business.  Maybe I just wasn’t prepared for that.  I didn’t want my vacation to end, I needed just a little bit longer rest.  Maybe ten days, not seven.  I wasn’t ready to just jump right back in.  

So tomorrow (Tuesday)  I am off, and I plan to regroup, so that I can go back to work Wednesday ready to bust it the way I normally do.  I know this was a pretty boring post.  Especially in comparison to my last post.  But I am just in a weird mood; tired, bummed, stressed, feeling like there are so many things to do but not the time to do them, or the drive to do them.

Happier, more upbeat post tomorrow.  Promise.

I arrived at Alison’s early this afternoon.  And was exhausted.  Because I woke up at seven, went to a two-hour meeting at work (I know, vacation?  Pssh.), and then immediately hit the pavement and headed for “the coast.”

Don’t you love just having a long drive ahead of you?  I love it– just me and my mix tapes.  I know, I know; they are actually CDs, I just prefer the term “mix tape.”  It brings back such a sense of nostalgia.  And reminds me of the tapes that I used to record that continuosly repeated cut-off versions of my favorite song whenever it came on the radio.

But I digress.

I got to Alison’s and the two kiddos were napping; so me and my Nubbin had some time to hang out.  You know, just a little adult time.  And then I kept saying: I need to get to my blog.  This may be a vacation, but its not one from my blog.

But I was having blog-itis.  A.K.A Writer’s Block.  I just didn’t know what to write about.  And, I repeat, I was exhausted.  So I went and laid down and read my book for awhile.

I got up about an hour later, got my Mac, put on a scarf and headed downstairs.  I was determined to get in the writer mode (because wearing a scarf makes me feel intellectual).  I almost took out my contacts and put on my glasses, because my glasses also make me feel like a writer and more intellectually stimulated.  But I kind of hate my glasses, as I can see (or actually not see) my blindness all around the tiny rims.  I put in my earphones/buds (read: Rufus Wainwright, because he is also intellectually stimulating.)  And this is what I ended up with:

That is a really crappy picture of me.  With my scarf, earphones/buds in, and Rufus playing.  Also notable, is the cute new sweater I have on.  What I would like you not to note is my frizztastic hair, hence, the black and white.  Anyway, that photo and about 20 other super crappy ones are all I have to show for myself.

And then Jack came home from work.  And we ate dinner.  And then we all came upstairs for bath time.  Which is aptly titled “Nekkie Time” in this house.  Because what ensued was, in fact, a fest of naked children running around.  Feeling the breeze of the fan.  All over their bodies.

Needless to say, I felt more than a little awkward.

As the little children ran around me, screaming “Nekkie Time!!  Nekkie Time!!” at the tops of their lungs, it became increasingly clear.

I am not, repeat, NOT, Mommy Material.  At least not yet.  Also, I think I am too awkward to celebrate running around clothes-less.  Like, ever.  It will be a “Get naked, bathe, and dress” kind of thing in my house.  Because naked little children?  They just skeeve me out.  Naked little children running around my rocking chair, as I pull my hair out, with a blank blog post box sitting in front of me?  That, my friends, is material.

First, it was JEB.  Tearing his clothes off and running through the “rec room” and all four bedrooms and the bathroom.  Telling everyone that he, in fact, was nekkid, and he seemed to be enjoying it.  A little too much.  And then he zipped and zapped past my chair, causing his nekkid air to brush my arm.  And then it was time to bathe.  And then came little Elizabeth, prancing out of her room, in all her “nekkid” glory.  Wearing a huge smile on her face, she pranced her way into the bath, to get all squeaky clean with Joshua.

Okay.  Most of you probably don’t think a couple of kids celebrating their bodily glory is that big of a deal.  But if you know me well.  Which most of you do.  You know how I am with kids.

Awkward.

Baby talk?  Not here.  Its all big kid talk with me.  No oohs, aahs and beebee, bahbahs ever emit from this mouth.  You will hear: Hello, baby.  What are you doing?  Is that a toy? (Some may call my tone robotic, I call it affectionate and mature.)  Dirty little hands and mouths?  Ick.  Do not touch me til you or your parent or someone who loves babies has cleaned you off.  Dirty diapers?  Definite no.  Being naughty and thusly being disciplined?  I will laugh quietly to myself, at the awkwardness of the situation, and also probably ruin what is supposed to be the “severity” of punishment.

I know.  You are picturing a cold-hearted woman that should never be allowed to procreate.  Sometimes I see myself that way too.  But I just tell myself, I’m not ready yet.  And maybe I never will be.  But one thing I do know is that clothing, in my house, will never be optional.

It didn’t really surprise me that he had commented on my status or anything.  I mean, I know he loves me.  In fact, for some reason I think he used to not understand me.  But, in getting to know me, he now loves me.  Which isn’t all that surprising, either, is it?  Nah, it isn’t.  I am like a fine wine, I get better with age.  Or maybe that’s not it.  But the longer that you know me and the more you understand me and my quirks (I call them quirks, you can call them flaws, or amazing attributes, if you so wish), the more you like me (or hate me, I guess.)

Anyway.  What surprised me was his comment, which read:  Um, blog post?  Your fans await.  Slacker.

Which, hello, I love.  I know you are out there, not a lot of you, but I know some of you are out there reading.  And I only knew Tom and Bubby read because Nubbin told me so.  People.  Comment on my blog!  I want to know you are there.  I see in my stats that people are visiting, but it isn’t enough!  I need contact!  Comments!  Even if you think my post is ridiculous.  Do you have a better blog-post-subject?  I want to know what it is!  And then use it!

Anyway, so after Tom’s encouraging comment (if you call deeming me a slacker encouraging, after yesterday’s two posts, Tom), I decided I better run to my lappy and type up a little post to keep everyone’s day bright and shiny.

So tomorrow I am going to Houston.  And I must say, I am pretty excited.  Not really looking forward to the humidity.  But the good times and the people, oh yes.  I am looking forward to that part.  Upon my arrival, I know there will be some extreme hugging and kissing and loving between me and JEB.  Not like that.  Just sweet little baby boy hugs and kisses.  And then me and Nubbin will have a commencement smoke.  And I will possibly come bearing coffee, which will make our reunion that much sweeter.  At some point thereafter we will probably have IHOP.  And then I will want to watch my shows…  We can do that, right, Nubbin?  Wednesday is my TV night.  If not, I need to DVR that crap before I leave.

Anyway.  Then at some point there will be a Bubby Reunion.  Hopefully that moment/hour/hours will involve coffee or caffeine as well.  And Tom.  Because, my visit would not be complete without that.  I love them.  And all their book-buying, book-reading, multitude-of-bookcase-owning, intellectual glory.  And then we will contemplate life.  And then smoke (I think, okay, at least I will.)  And then Tom and Donna will get so deep that I won’t have any response, because, well, I am just not as intellectual as they are.  So then I will sit silently and puff on my cancer stick, trying to formulate some kind of response or something to add to the conversation.  And then I will make some inane joke.  And all will laugh, but secretly be thinking:  Oh Ashley, you just aren’t at our level of intellect.

But that’s okay.  Because I will feel smarter when I leave them.

And then I will want to come back the next day and do it all again.

And then I will start devising plans, in which I make Daniel move to Houston with me, so I can be with my friends all the time.  Or at least more often.  But that will never happen.  Because Daniel will never move to Houston.  And really, I don’t know if I can deal with the humidity.  But that’s beside the point.

And really, those are my only plans:  see Nubbin, see Bubby, have coffee and IHOP.  Maybe some Tex-Mex.  Maybe some Med Chef, because its so damn good.  And remember and relive the good times with some of the people that know and understand me better than I know and understand myself half the time.

I love vacation time.

P as well as S. I searched through my wedding pictures on the computer for like half an hour looking for this picture.  Because I knew it was hiding there somewhere.

Love you people, see you soooooon.